Random Ache

This ache that I feel is slowly radiating out, leaving nothing but a shell of the girl I used to be in its wake. I'm afraid that some day, I will wake up, and it will have consumed all of the happiness that I feel, and all that will be left is an emptiness and a void.

This thing inside of me eats away at everything. Its a darkness that I can't seem to shake. It over shadows all the good in my life, encroaching on the light I see.

I'm afraid that someday I won't be able to see the light that I'm grabbing for.

The only thing holding the darkness and the emptiness at bay, is the moment of safety I feel. The only two words that come to mind are safe and home when those moments happen. I reach for that everyday, and pray it never leaves me, that it will always be there, my guiding light in this oppressive darkness.

To lose that light would allow the deep ache and pain I feel to finally overcome me, and leave me as an emptiness, just a random act of hopelessness.

I once was vibrant with life, and light and hope. But when life throws everything it has at you, and tries to tear you into shreds, you become one of the mass of hopeless and lost. That vibrance, I hold onto with every shred of my existence, hoping that someday I can bring it back into the fullness of my life.

But for now, I cling to the light in my life. And pray that the ache and emptiness doesn't kill me.

Words in Forests

So, I'm going through a rough patch.

That's the understatement of the century.

Have you ever noticed how when the sky suddenly turns gray, its like the entire planet gets depressed? And it literally happens over night! That's what happened to me today. Yesterday I was alright with the world. And today, with the overcast and the rain, I feel like everything has shifted.

And then I called my friend and poured out my heart to her, tears and all. And she gave me some sound advice:

"Find the things that make you happy, and do them."

So, I sat for about five minutes and finally figured out what makes me happy, that isn't related to relationships (alteration intended).

Once I figured it out, it wasn't that hard to know what to do next.

And so, here I sit, doing what makes me happy. I'm pouring my over-active and over-reactive brain out in black and white, for the world and its entirety to see.

I love to write. Not because I love to see myself as a writer, or to have my ideas in front of people. I truly enjoy writing because its like an enormous jig saw puzzle. The finished picture is the idea I'm trying to communicate, and words are my puzzle pieces. Once the writing is done, the pieces in place, the puzzle has been completed and the idea is out there. But its the figuring out how to string words together that holds the appeal.

Its kind of like painting. Every word is a different brush stroke, every sentence a different color. And hopefully, the artist is good enough to not leave a Jackson Pollock in their wake. More like a Rembrandt, or, for the more colorful, a Renoir.

Tree Swings make me happy. I'm not entirely sure why....maybe there is still a small piece of me that remembers how much fun it was as a child to be wound up in one and told 'hang on'!

I love forests. The greenery and smell of pine and oak and wet dirt just after it rains...ahhhhh. Its those moments when I'm alone, and the world is quiet, that nature becomes my cathedral, the rocks the pews, the trees the columns, and the leaves the steeple. Its peaceful and quiet, and I can think.

Music. Nothing lifts my mood more then singing at the top of my lungs to some song, or the latest Lindsey Stirling violin solo.

And when I start to think about these things, the things I love, life suddenly doesn't seem nearly as bleak or rough. Suddenly, you're counting your blessings, and the sky lightens just a little.

So, for now, I'll be over here writing in the forest on my tree swing, listening to Lindsey Stirling, and thinking about the things that make me smile, with the people who brighten life that much more.

A Toast to Liars

Today I'd like to propose a toast:

Here's to liars. You make the world go 'round.

Yes, I'm talking to you!

The people who get so caught up in getting what they want, that a little white is nothing to them. And then, that little white lie snowballs out of control. Here's to you!

And you who have no problem with an off-handed comment about someone else that isn't in the slightest degree true. And that off-handed comment becomes a rumor that completely tarnishes and/or ruins someone's reputation and good name. This one is on you!

The people who get so caught up in their own lives and their own lies that they actually begin to believe them. If you ask them for the truth, they will never be able to give it, since they believe the lies themselves.

And my favorite: The people who lie to protect their own reputations. Gotta stay on that pedestal, right? Because God forbid you be anything other then perfect.

And those of you who lie about your faith and religion and belief system in hopes you get somewhere with it. People will trust you based on your belief system in a higher power, but your actions will always speak louder then words. The lying you are doing to your self, in believing that you are doing the Godly thing, simply because it serves your "God-given" interest, is sickening. May lightning strike you down in such a way that the only possible explanation was a higher power.

So, here's to you. The liars, the cheaters, the stealers of this world. It is you we have to thank for the state of our world, since it is you who vote and you who decide who is in power. And is it any wonder that a place made of people with no honesty have a government mired by lies and untruths?

So how about we start at the ground up, and train our kids to not lie. And then set the example to them by always telling the truth, despite the damage to our reputations. And maybe, just maybe, check that off-handed comment through your brain before it comes out of your mouth. Quit being so self-serving. You might get further.

So, I raise my glass and toast you, the Liars of the World. I toast the damage you have down to people everywhere. I hope you are proud.

America the Ignorant

I made a mistake today. I looked up the news.

I don't mean I watched the lies and misdirection that mainstream media seems to pour out of its clogged and diseased mouth.

I mean I went to a news source that actually reported what the heck is going on in today's world.

We are seriously the stupidest nation on planet earth. And we are made so by ignorance and arrogance.

We chose, on a regular basis, to be ignorant of what is going on in our own back yards, in our own country. We chose. We give credence to BS like the whole Miley Cyrus debacle. Who cares! She's 20 years old and is going to do what every 20 year old with money does: screw around, screw up, and come back.

There are more important things happening in our world then what's going on in the entertainment industry.

And because we chose, as a country, to be ignorant of what is actually going on, we are arrogant. Our world is about to implode in on itself, and we are arrogant enough to believe that it won't effect us. But it will. So desperately.

This country's leader is about to declare an illegal war. A war that he will enter into without Congressional approval, because he knows he won't get it. This isn't necessarily illegal IF there is a direct threat on OUR OWN SOIL to this nation, or someone else declares war against us. He could be impeached for doing it....but will he?

He's been ripping the Constitution to shreds for the past five years, and no one has done anything yet. No, he won't. He will be allowed to continue on this path. An America will be so caught up in its entertainment, that we won't do anything.

Remember that nuclear power plant in Japan that was in full melt-down after the tidal wave two years ago? We thought they got it under control. Well, we didn't think, we just forgot about it. But guess what? It didn't go away. The Fukushima water plant is leaking hundreds of tons of radioactive water into the Pacific Ocean every day. They just now have asked for help. And no one seems to care!

We are about to ignite a powder keg, and no one seems to notice what's going on. Its not in any headline that I can see in the main stream media. Its an after thought. This. Is. NOT. Ok. Because, guess what? If we go to war with Syria, our entire existence changes. The young men of this country will go to die, fighting a country and a religion that has no remorse and no mercy for its opponents. We will be involved in a Jihad, and we won't even know it.

We will be fighting Russia and China if we fight Syria. We ignite Syria, we ignite the Middle East. We do that, then Europe gets involved. Europe gets involved, Asia gets involved. Welcome to World War Three.

And nobody cares! I don't see protests or anything. No one is talking about it!

At least when we got involved in WWI & WWII, we knew what we were doing. We had all the information at our disposal....well, at least it wasn't all covered up. People actually wanted to know what was going on in the world. They didn't bury their heads in the sand and pretend it wasn't happening.

I had a professor once say that when the media focuses on an inconsequential piece of news, then it was hiding something. This, my friends, is it. We are in for it.

And guess what? We chose it. Congratulations America. We win the prize for most Arrogant country on planet Earth. Miley Cyrus won't be at the top of the news for much longer. When this is, you'll wonder how you didn't see it coming. And this, my friends, is how.

The Future Free Thinkers of American

I often feel that in order to write a blog post, I have to have something I feel passionately about in order to spill it all out in black and white. Usually these topics include religion and politics.

So, today I thought I'd discuss something a little bit different. Freedoms.

I had an incident occur recently with a few friends of mine. They exercised their freedom of speech and posted something on Facebook that was beyond contrary to popular belief. I didn't agree with their view points at all. I thought it was cold and callus and over-all unfeeling. And I told them as much when we discussed it shortly after the status update.

And then the comments started rolling in.

Allow me to just say this: These two gentlemen, in no way, shape, or form, insulted or hurt anyone with the words they chose.

Among the myriad of comments, were things such as "GTFO of facebook" and "who the hell do you think you are" as well as "STFU" and "You need to not spew your opinion on blah-blah-blah-subject".

When my friends responded to said comments, respectfully, as it were, they were again reamed up one side and down the other for their opinions.

Now, while I don't necessarily agree with them, I have a small problem.

Under the First Amendment, my friends had every right to state their opinion. And every right to be respected for it. As does everyone else.

But here's the issue: These people on Facebook were so caught up in the emotion of the moment, that they failed to recognize that my friends had these rights, and instantly jumped to offense and the desire to see them string up from the nearest tree for their opinion. And in no way did they say so respectfully.

Which got me thinking. In today's society, we are so caught up with being politically correct and not offending anyone, that we forget about our own rights. Not even as Americans. But as Human Beings endowed by our Creator. It doesn't matter if you agree or not. The mere fact that you disagree and can say so is a freedom and a right protected under our Constitution.

But suddenly, it has become unpopular to go against the masses of people. Why is that? When did political correctness replace freedom of speech? When did the desire to please every ethnicity and religion replace the free thinkers of our generation?

The whole incident really has me wondering what kind of world we live in, where you are not allowed to speak your mind if it goes against the majority. It was the still, small voices of this world that created and caused revolutions in Science and Mathematics and Politics and even ways of life and belief systems. Are we so busy pleasing everyone and being politically correct that we are stifling the next generation of greatness and change?

Later, as I discussed with my friends what exactly had happened online, they both just shrugged their shoulders and laughed it off. But I was so proud of them for standing up for what they thought, and not backing down and going with the masses. Even though I didn't necessarily agree with them, it didn't mean that I had to change their minds.

And as long as people like these two gentlemen exist, who don't back down and stand their ground on their opinions and beliefs, there will be hope for the future free thinkers and generations.

Maturity and the Parking Lot

I had a moment today in the Costco parking lot. And not a pretty one.

I was driving along, minding my own business, looking for a parking spot, when I found one. And oh, it was prime. Three spots in from the end of the row, right next to the cheap food court. Naturally, I stopped my car and waited for the little red sports vehicle to pass me bye....but they didn't. They just sat there. For like, five minutes. Mind you, I can't see into this car because they had tinted their front window, which, by the way, is ILLEGAL IN CALIFORNIA. I suddenly dawned on me that these people in that little red sports car wanted MY parking spot.

Now, I had a choice: A) Pull in anyway and start a fight. B) Wait for them to pass and be deadlocked for another five minutes. or C) Look for different parking spot.

I decided to be the mature one, and drive on looking for a parking spot. This wasn't so bad...I found one a little further down the row, and I happen to be wearing flats today, so no big deal.

But what got me seething? As I passed that little piece of shiny red machinery, the person who owns said vehicle had the nerve to honk his horn at me. As I am directly in front of the car. That's like the adult equivelant of sticking your tongue out at the kid who's just been forced to share his toy with you.

As you can probably imagine, my initial reaction went something like this:

"Swear to God, Imma key that car, see how much he likes it when there's a huge scratch down the side of his car, honking at me, that'll teach him, the entitled piece of...." And sprinkle in a few explatives, and that about covers it.

I had my keys in my hand. I could have done it.

But did I? No.

Sometimes, being mature has nothing to do with how we are feeling. Its about our actions. Its about what we do when no one is watching. I could have keyed that stupid little sports car. I wanted to....my fingers still itch a little at the thought of it.

But I decided not to because it would cause nothing but problems for both me, and the guy who's car was honking at me.

Maturity has nothing to do with anybody else. Its all about you and how you handle situations. Getting upset about something someone said and then facebook ranting about it? That's not maturity. Calling someone out on their stuff in a hurtful way when you know they are already dealing with more stuff then they can handle? That is definately not maturity. Pointing out flaws in someone else, the same flaws you have inside, just so you'll feel better? That is not handling things like an adult at all.

Maturity is about letting things go, even when you don't want to. I know that I am not there yet. But I'm working on it. And so is everyone else in this world. People hurt us in this world, and the truth is, the closer they get, the more damage they can do. The difference is, how you handle it. When someone hurts you, you can either let it go, deal with it and then move on, or get upset and hurt and hold a grudge rather then confront the issues.

Besides that, why would you want to let things sit inside you and fester like that?

But that's way off track.

So, after I finished my sample round, got my blood sugar back to normal, and came about outside, I just passed that little shiny red car, smiled, shook my head, and kept walking. Did it feel good? Nah. But was it the mature thing to do? Yup.

Lesson learned? I hope so. 

The Pursuit of Happiness

Its been one of those months. One of those years, actually. And I keep coming back to how I really should get back into writing. Not because I want people to read what I write, but just because I used to really like it, and do it a lot. I had passion when I wrote, and it made me happy.

So, its July 2013. I am starting a new life, making up for past mistakes. And its time to begin writing again.

Since I began this journey over 4 years ago, so much has happened and changed. I've been a college student, a girlfriend, an assistant, a housewife, and finally, an assistant again. I'm making my own way now, and doing for myself when I haven't had the courage, or Chutzpah, as my mom would say, to be for myself before.

And let me tell you, its scary being in the real world. When you've spent your entire life sheltered and protected, going from one protective and controlled environment to another, the culture shock sends waves through your system that rival the tides. And its not easy recovering from that.

Its not easy to give up the worry and let go for the time being. Its not easy to do what must be done, especially when you don't want to. Its hard to step out in faith and do what you believe is right, even though everyone around is screaming how wrong you are.

Sometimes, you have to do for yourself. In life, happiness doesn't pursue you. You pursue it. Its a right that every human being has, and yet, most refuse to honor that privilege. We are "endowed by our Creator with certain unalienable rights: Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Happiness." And yet, so many of us chose the path of least resistance, we chose the path of laziness, and at the end of that path is nothing but misery. If you want to be happy, you have to want to work for it. As one of my neighbors likes to say, with his southern/Californian accent "You gotta do whachya gotta do."

Life is meant to be lived. Not to sit there and let it you pass by. Its a kind of wonderful, and all you have to do is wake up and stop being lazy, and do something, to see. Once you begin, there is no turning back. Your life is your own, and no one can live it for you.

So live. Don't be lazy. If your miserable, and feeling trapped, the second the opportunity arises, change it. You're the only one who can. We are the lucky ones. We have the chance to do better then those around us, better then our parents, if we are willing to work.

Pursue your happiness. No matter what it is. Even if you have to step out in faith and go and do and be something that you have never done before. Fortune honors the brave. The rest will fall into place. Have the chutzpah to make life worth living.